Michael…in the last yellow flickers of the day.  Taken right after we returned home from the pumpkin patch.

Much Love,

Krysta xo

Today.
I want a small, simple home.
With a claw foot tub to soak in.
With creaky floor boards.
And homemade quilts on our beds.
I want old toys for my children.
Spinning tops, wood flapping ducks, and building blocks.
I want mismatched furniture.
And treasures found in a world traveled.
I want to frame love letters my father left for my mother.
And let them dance across our walls.
To remind me that love most certainly does last for eternity.
Today.
I want a garden.
To make dinner from something I have nurtured and sustained.
I want green grass.
Like, the really really green kind.
That I can prance through with bare feet.
And lay down in for afternoon dreams.
I want a porch swing.
Like the swing Stacy and I used to sit in.
Summer nights, endless hours, belly laughing.
Today.
I want the people I miss all in one spot.
To sit around my kitchen table.
In chairs I’ve collected from flea markets.
…with sorted colors of  dinnerware.
I want to crank jazz music while I cook for them.
I want laughter to fill the air.
And a good bottle of red wine to share.
For deep conversation.
While early morning hours creep in.
Today.
I want the ocean.
Sand.
My Tiffany blue beach cruiser.
With a basket and a bell.
To ride until my legs get tired.
For Brady to ride beside me.
To talk about our future.
And stop for an iced coffee.
Today.
I want to read an endless pile of books.
The ones I have no time for.
I want a date with my camera.
To take pretty pretty pictures.
I want to walk to the cigar shop.
And pick out the most perfect cigar.
The ones I used to buy for my father. 
Just to have.
And for my mama to live next door.
To love on my babies.
Today.
These are my thoughts.
For a simple life.
With the people I love most in this world…

I wrote this a short while after my father left this world…when life was cluttered and confusing and messy.  I remember so vividly how I struggled to find balance in that new and unfamiliar world.  I reminded myself daily that this journey would be taken one breath at a time…and it was. …and then there came a day when the fog settled even more than the day before and the sun was a bit more visible and I knew, despite all of the pain and the heartache, that we would make it through to the other side…

I came across this the other day and realized my thoughts haven’t changed one bit.  The things I wanted then are still the same things I want now.  The only thing that would be different is that there would now be a baby pull behind attached to my beach cruiser. :)  Losing such an influential person in your life will change your priorities.  So will welcoming a new one.   At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what zip code my home is in.  I don’t care that our furniture doesn’t match or that the “I’d like to have” items that I have circled in catalogs will probably always remain circled. What matters to me most is human connection…the ability to sit across from someone and get lost in discussion for hours. The kind where you look at your watch and say, “We’ve been here for three hours?”  I feel most content when I see our friends and family walk through our front door and make themselves at home.  …and amongst all of the chatter and laughter and snuggled in bodies on couches, if I listen closely, I can hear Happy.  I love Saturday mornings where Michael climbs up on his foot stool with messy bed hair and helps make chocolate pancakes for Daddy…or Sunday morning coffee runs with my mama where we sit and talk about my father amidst tears and giggles…missing and remembering.  My most favorite thing in this world is when Brady wakes up early in the morning and rolls over to put his hand on my belly.  Instantly our baby boy starts moving and kicking.  It makes me smile every time and is the best feeling in this world. These are the things that matter the most to me…

I have been thinking a lot lately about so many things.  I have seen so many other people feeling the same way.   We live in a technologically advanced world.  It is both a blessing and a curse.  I am so thankful for the ability to connect and communicate with friends and family states and continents over.   We have Facebook, Twitter, Skype,  LinkedIn, Flickr, Pinterest…etc to keep ourselves in the know.  However, something comes from that.  The inability to just let ourselves Be.  We are so engrossed in what the rest of the world is doing that we miss what is going on right in front of us. So many people are busy posting and uploading images of what they’re doing this very minute that I wonder if they’re truly able to enjoy the experience or if they’re waiting to see who comments.  I find myself logging into my social media sites for 5 minutes and before I know it an hour has passed…an hour that could have been spent otherwise.  We all have real people in front of us.  We all have real lives that are waiting for us to live them.  Life is so short and so precious…too precious to be buried in computer screens and smart phones. We have changed our way of doing things around here.   I work when the boys aren’t here and when they are, the computer goes off.  The phones get put to silent and we just enjoy.   We spend more time outside with one another planning and dreaming about our future and less time getting lost in what everyone else is doing.   I have a little boy that is waiting to come into this chaotic world and he deserves to have parents who are fully present in the moments in his life.   He deserves more time exploring and less time waiting for his mommy to get off of the computer.  He deserves a family sitting around the dining room table for dinner talking about their days and fort building with his big brother in the living room. He deserves so much more than the time crazed, social media obsessed society we live in. He deserves Real. We all do.

We are making it a point to slow down.  To write hand written letters and to get on the phone to talk to those we love and miss.  We are putting away the video games, using our imaginations, and playing board games.   We are baking and cooking and enjoying taking too long to get out the door on the weekends.  We are soaking in the beach as long as this weather will let us…and making way for this little Love that will soon be making us a family of four.

We are Living…and I couldn’t be happier.

Much Love, 
Krysta xo

…I do realize I have not been very good at blogging this summer.  It’s not for lack of things to post.  I have so many beautiful summers sessions waiting to be shown off and some really amazing shoots coming up that I can’t wait to share.  Life has just been a bit busy lately and during these beautiful summer days, I simply cannot bring myself to sit in front of a white screen when I know winter is just around the corner.  We have been living outdoors lately and the park has become our second home. I really would not want it any other way. So, maybe this handsome face will tide you over and as soon as the calm returns, I’ll be a good girl and start posting pretty pictures again. Forgive me, won’t you?  :)

Much Love,

Krysta xo

I  miss…

His voice. My God how I miss his voice. For 27 years he was my voice of reason, my calm in the midst of the storm, my soother, my comforter, my advice giver.  I have his cell phone voice mail saved on my iPod.  There is a daily internal battle within me deciding whether I can listen to it or not.  Some days it brings a smile to my face…others it is a reminder of all that we have lost. I tread lightly never knowing what any given day will bring…

His “Name That Song” game.  Growing up my room was across from the bathroom. This meant waking up to my father’s classic rock radio station.  I grew to love it as much as he did.  Years later we would be driving and he would say, “Who’s the band? Name the song?” He would always be surprised when I got the answer right knowing I had paid close attention all those years…

The way he answered the telephone…”COWCIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Always. It never changed.  It put a smile on my face every time…his jovial energy was contagious even through the phone. The night he left I dialed the first four numbers of my parent’s phone number at 10:38 pm.  I decided it was too late to call and hung up the phone. He left this world an hour later. It is a constant guilt I live with. What would our last conversation have been? I had the opportunity to talk to him one last time and I passed it by.  It hovers in my mind every day…

His love for peanut M&M’s…and grape popsicles.  The man who could have been a professional chef…who loved his cooking stores…and specialty cookware…and he loved peanut M&M’s and grape popsicles. He had an affinity for the finer things and the simpler things in life…

The way he loved my mother.  I remember a trip to Colorado. My mother had a migraine upon our arrival to Denver.  It was late in the day on a Saturday.  My father sat in the hotel room and dialed every single chiropractor and spa in the yellow pages to no avail.  He wouldn’t give up.  My mother kept telling him to stop, but he wouldn’t until he found somewhere that could get her in. …and he did. I remember thinking I hope I find a love like that.   He lit her up every time they were together. I miss that radiating light…

The sound of our house.  One of the things I will remember about my childhood is how our house sounded.  A constant bellowing, roaring laughter.  When my father’s friends were over…the laughter echoed throughout the entire house.  …and after he left they made a promise to us that there would still be laughter…that they would take care of us. …and they have kept true to their word…

The before. The complete. The familiar. The normal.

Our bond. I was a true Daddy’s girl. We shared a love of  good food, good music, photography, travel, design, golf, red wine, witty banter.  My mother would always say, “You are truly your father’s daughter.”

Our future. I am carrying his Grandson in my belly.  I hold a great responsibility in relaying the man that he was to my child.  I have stories to tell, recipes to pass down, traditions to uphold.  It has been emotional to say the least knowing my baby boy will never be placed in his arms.  I look at all of the images of Sabrena, Michael, and Luka with him and think of how very lucky they are…

Three years and we are still in this place.  I am lucky for having had such an amazing father in my life.  I do not take a single day for granted.  No lesson goes unnoticed.  Every minute of every day I am thankful for the life I have been given.  He is still here with me and is a guiding light in all that I do.  Today, on the day we lost him three years ago, I choose not to mourn his death, but to celebrate the wonderful life he lived for his story is so very beautiful…

Three years of missing you Papa…

Always, 
Your Cowcie

Well, it’s official!!! Our little love did not disappoint in spreading his legs this morning and giving us a very clear indication that he is indeed a baby boy!  At my 13 week ultrasound, the technician asked us if we were going to find out what we were having.  We told her that we were and she asked if we wanted her guess.  Being so early, I knew her guess was going to be boy and I was right.  She said it was still pretty early and that girl “parts” can swell so it would be best to wait until my 20 week ultrasound to be certain. But do you think I did? NOOOOO. I was beyond excited at the possibility of a boy. Brady and I would have been ecstatic either way, but the thought of Michael having a little brother made my heart go pitter patter.  My mother and I went shopping and came home with bags of baby boy clothes. We planned the nursery and started buying little boy trinkets for his room.  …and then I started to get nervous.  I kept hearing stories about how people found out early they were having a boy only to be told it was a girl.  So, I saved all of my receipts and started unpacking the little vintage dresses and rompers I had stored away….just in case.

We went in this morning and our peanut had his legs crossed. I was sure she was going to tell us that they weren’t able to tell us today.  …and then at the last minute, he spread his legs wide open and there it was…a very clear sign that he could indeed not be a girl.  Tears ran down my cheeks and Brady give a little fist pump with a big “YES!”  We have been smiling ever since.  I can’t believe we’ll soon have two little boys running around.  Michael already has plans to “teach him basketball and let him play with his transformer toys….but only when he’s older.” :)

We feel so blessed and so lucky and are just beyond excited to meet him!  Our little love is officially due January 3rd!

Now, if only Brady and I could agree on at least oonnneeee name, we’ll be set.  Michael suggested Luther, Zeke, or Anakin (from Stars Wars) but I’m pretty sure they’re not in the running. :)

Happy Monday everyone!

Krysta xo

P.S. For all of you photog white balance freaks like me out there…all shots above are on the same wall within the same minute and on custom white balance and I stiiillll got differentiation. I’m too lazy and too busy to fix it today so forgive me just this once will you? :)