I know that Christmas is supposed to be merry and wonderful and jolly and happy and so forth and so on. Every year before this I would have agreed with that notion…but not this year. At times I think I should not write certain things as maybe they will be too sad. I could certainly write about how elated all of the children were while opening their presents, how beautiful Ayla’s Christmas Eve baptism was, or how I absolutely love spending time with my entire family. Yes we had all of those things, but the truth is the sadness never went away and tears were always right below the surface. A huge part of our lives is missing and the weight of that absence is such a heavy load to carry some days. I wanted him to greet us when we walked through the door. I wanted the Santa hat he insisted on wearing every year to be on his head instead of a display on a shelf. I wanted him there, smiling, as we all opened our gifts together and then to tell us how blessed we have been as a family this year. I wanted all of those things so badly and yet all I see is empty space. I know he was very much here in a different manner. Still, it just isn’t the same…

My heart has been so heavy this week with a longing that this life of ours could just go back to the way it was.

…and Papa…as we were packing to come home, Michael asked me if you would get to come back home after Christmas. I had to gently tell him that you wouldn’t be able to come back. When he asked why, I fought back tears as I thought, “I was wondering the same thing too Michael. I was wondering the same.thing.too.”

Always Missing.

Your Cowcie

…the boys at Christmas this year with Boppa’s tree…

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