Today. 

We woke to meet Nathan and Sabrena for coffee. Nathan got your ring back from the jeweler and you would love it. It’s shiny and beautiful and he’s so proud to wear it.  He looked broken. Sad. Worn. He went to call you today like he has done every day for all of his life. Only he had to stop because you are no longer there to answer the questions he already knows the answer to.  That broke me apart into a million pieces all over again. Mom and I realized we were so lost in our own grief that we missed the fact that your son’s heart is breaking because he no longer has his father, his mentor, his golfing partner, his best friend. It seems every single day we are reminded of just how incredibly large the void is.  In only continues to grow and there are days I fear it will engulf all of us and never let us go.  I realize that everyone’s parents will leave this earth some day. It is a fact of life and we are not the first family to go through this. But it’s YOU. And this is us and we’re completely lost without you…
Tonight.
We hung frames on the wall that we bought today just for your pictures. We hung them above your desk so we could always be reminded that the veil between you and us is really so very thin.  We moved the bookshelf from your work office home, where it belongs now. All of your things adorn it – the hat I bought you for Christmas years ago and  you never took off, your Big Dog keychain we found in an old cigar box, your CLP golf balls that never got used….All of these things brought us comfort and yet they make the missing more…
Tomorrow. 
Mom and I will go to church.  We will stop at Starbucks for a coffee just like all of us always used to do. She will be the one driving me to the airport tomorrow…  One more step we both have to take in this “new” journey without you.  I have to admit I am sad and scared and my head is swirling. I feel close to you here…surrounded by all of your things.  I don’t want to leave my Mama, but we both know we need to and have to do this.  Tomorrow we will be adjusting to another “new normal” as we have done every day since you left. Tomorrow, I will still be your “little” girl who is fumbling without you. 

These are my thoughts tonight.

And to my beautiful mother for showing me what the word “strength” means. For carrying Nathan and I even when your own pain is so raw and so deep. For STILL putting everyone else above  yourself.  For holding my hand through this journey and wiping tears I thought would never end.  For hugging me until I was ready to let go.  For pulling me back when I thought this would all be too much.  For crying with me.  For continuing on with the best traits of him when your heart is hurting.  For being the best mother I could’ve asked for and the only one I would’ve ever wanted. I. LOVE. YOU!