Three Months.

Today I am tired. As Brady and I climbed into bed last night, I realized the clock said 12:24…two minutes before my mother called me three months ago. And so my boys were both fast asleep as I lay awake. My mind was restless, chaotic, a constant buzzing that I could not still. I climbed back out of bed to try to occupy myself and tire my ever running mind. I would not climb back in until 2:30 and finally fell asleep hours after. Today I cannot stop the tears from falling. They are constant.
I remember your wake when they told us we could go in and see you. How do you ever prepare yourself for that moment? At first I walked cautiously and then it seemed as if I couldn’t get to you fast enough. I wanted to absorb every last second of you here on this earth. I touched your hands, your chest, your arms. I brushed your scruff on your face that Luka loved so much. I wanted to memorize every last detail of you that I have loved for my 27 years. I sobbed and yelled, “I need you more than He does.” Our pastor stood in the corner with his hands folded in prayer and his head hung low. How naive he must’ve thought I was for pretending to know what I need when God truly does.
Still, I echo the same sentiments this day as I did that day. I do need you. I need to hear your voice for more than 8 seconds on your voicemail. I need to know the secret ingredient in your “Killer brownies”. Mom and I can’t figure out what it is. I need you to show up on my doorstep with wine and food in tow and see that huge smile on your face. I need to sit with you in a coffee shop and get lost in deep discussion for hours. I need to see you beside me when I sit in church on Christmas day. I need you for so very many things…
And so it is…three months today. I guess this is what we do now. We float through days until eventually another month passes and we sit in disbelief all over again that you are not here. It has been three months since you left us. Three months closer that we are to seeing you again. Three months of survival in this painful journey.
Our entire family, immediate and extended, is so lost without you Papa. I pray for the day that this heartache will be even the tiniest bit less than it is today. I pray.
Loving you and missing you…
Your Cowcie