…sitting in a therapy session with my grief counselor a few weeks ago, she mentioned that I would have to take grief for all that it is – the good, the bad, and the ugly. The words resonated with me on my drive home. I didn’t agree. Some people may say I’m crazy. I definitely see the pain in grief, but I also see beauty in it. To say it is ugly is to discard something that I am grateful for. Yes. Grateful. You see, I didn’t have the choice whether my father lived on this earth or if he didn’t. His years walking in this world were predetermined by a Higher Being much more powerful than me. But I did have a choice in how I could live in the wake of my father’s death. I could choose to look at this new and altered life of mine with hate and bitterness for all of the things that were stripped from me in his death. Or I could open my eyes to all of the beautiful things that he left for me in this life. They are his gifts to me and I treasure them each and every day.
I am much more patient. I know a pain so deep and so raw that I would never have otherwise known. This knowing has helped me bond with so many people that might have otherwise passed me by. I have less appreciation for material things and much more appreciation for passing along the GOOD in this life. I am often reminded of the life my father led. If everyone learned to love like he did, this world would be a much better place. I see beauty in the little things…things I overlooked many many times in my “previous” life. I need less and desire less. I am stronger spiritually. Love looks much different to me now. It is brighter, stronger, more resilient. I live in the present. I treasure all of the moments that make up each and every day. I am more driven than ever. I accept change for what it is and look for the new opportunities that arise out of change. I listen more intently, forgive more easily, and am truly thankful for this life that is mine for the taking.
This does not mean that I miss my father any less. It doesn’t mean that I would not trade it all if it meant bringing him back to us. It doesn’t mean my pain is any less or the void any smaller. There are still many days where the clouds loom thick and heavy. But even amidst the fog, I know I am so very very lucky for the gifts he has given to me.
Papa, thank you for giving me the good, the bad, and even more so…the beautiful.
Forever missing…xo
*Never blogged. The sky on our plane ride home August 16th, 2009 – one year after he left this earth.*
