Every time I get a Williams Sonoma catalog in the mail.
Every time I drive past the little cigar shop on Brady Street . God willing, I will step inside again one day.
Every time I hear Ave Maria.
Every time feta cheese stuffed olives find their way into our grocery cart.
Every time I smell a hint of “Obsession” cologne.
Every time Luka points at your picture and says, “Boppa”.
Every time I see your clothes hanging in your closet.
Every time Michael plays with the incredibly large shark you searched high and low to find for him. He so graciously named him “Steve”.
Every time I go to grab my gloves and your huge fur trapper hat stares me in the face. I don’t know how you pulled that look off, but you did.
Every time I listen to R.E.M’s “Man on the Moon” and hear Michael Stipe sing, “Hey Baby!”
Every time I see a girl with her father.
Every time I think about what would be. What should be.

You should be here this year celebrating with us. You should have decorated the tree and put the insanely stubborn garland around the house. You should have untangled the lights and climbed to the highest rung of the ladder to make sure treasures were placed in the correct spot. You should be calling me telling me about the perfect gifts you found for everyone. You should be texting me daily telling me how you can’t wait until I come home. You should be telling me about the new restaurants you found that we would all love and would be going to while I was in town. You should be there…waiting for me…with Mom and Sabrena…like every other year…when I stepped off the plane and walked down the stairs to meet you. Every year I would be half way down and would look up to see you all standing there. Sabrena would run to me with outstretched arms…dodging people as to not run into them. Mom would walk behind her. You always stayed back with your hands in your pockets…a huge smile on your face until I got close enough and you would say, “Glad to have you home honey.”

Mom, Nathan and I were talking the other day and really, it’s not the huge matters that throw our world off kilter. It’s the little, every day things…things you never even thought about before that continuously slap you in the face. It is almost as if you get to take one baby step forward and then tiny things present themselves and you are, again, taking two giant steps back.

We already had one holiday without you and it was almost unbearable. I can’t imagine Christmas – your most favorite of holidays. I just cannot imagine you not being here.

I need you standing there…at the bottom of those stairs so I can answer you back and say, “Glad to be home Papa”.

You are missed. Daily. Immensely. Forever.

Your Cowcie

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This picture puts such a smile on my face…taken two years ago at Christmas. My mom was taking our picture and the camera was not going off. As you can see by the 7th time, my dad and I were “cheeeeeeeese’d” out. We were so sick of pictures at that point, it was the only one taken of us…

* The song is the last song my father downloaded on his iPod. *