I know that Christmas is supposed to be merry and wonderful and jolly and happy and so forth and so on. Every year before this I would have agreed with that notion…but not this year. At times I think I should not write certain things as maybe they will be too sad. I could certainly write about how elated all of the children were while opening their presents, how beautiful Ayla’s Christmas Eve baptism was, or how I absolutely love spending time with my entire family. Yes we had all of those things, but the truth is the sadness never went away and tears were always right below the surface. A huge part of our lives is missing and the weight of that absence is such a heavy load to carry some days. I wanted him to greet us when we walked through the door. I wanted the Santa hat he insisted on wearing every year to be on his head instead of a display on a shelf. I wanted him there, smiling, as we all opened our gifts together and then to tell us how blessed we have been as a family this year. I wanted all of those things so badly and yet all I see is empty space. I know he was very much here in a different manner. Still, it just isn’t the same…

My heart has been so heavy this week with a longing that this life of ours could just go back to the way it was.

…and Papa…as we were packing to come home, Michael asked me if you would get to come back home after Christmas. I had to gently tell him that you wouldn’t be able to come back. When he asked why, I fought back tears as I thought, “I was wondering the same thing too Michael. I was wondering the same.thing.too.”

Always Missing.

Your Cowcie

…the boys at Christmas this year with Boppa’s tree…

For those of you who know me well, you know that snow and I do not get along. At all. We are quite literally like oil and water. The friend it comes to visit each year…Winter? Uh yeah, we don’t get on so well either. For years and years now, I have joked to my parents that the stork dropped me off in the perfect family in an imperfect location. Let’s be real. It’s impossible to plant myself in the sand and bask in the sun, have a glass of wine on the outdoor (outdoor being the keyword) patio, or ride my beach cruiser. Although two days ago I did see a man ride by on a bike in 15 inches of snow. It confused me and amused me all at the same time and I’m not sure how he fared on the hill right around the corner….
STILL…when Michael comes to me with his big, brown, puppy dog eyes and sticks out his bottom lip, it all goes out the window. It’s like my brain is saying, “Noooooooo!!” while my mouth is saying, “Why sure honey…I would love to go outside and play in the snow!” I have no idea how it happens, but the child has power and he knows how to use it.
So, off we went and I have to admit, it was freezing and I was soaked, but seeing how happy he was in the fluffy white stuff made it worth the while…
Now, that being said, I would be perfectly happy if it all melted tomorrow and my masses of unworn sundresses could be twirled in. Ya read me?

Sorry for the lack of posts. I really do have so many things just sitting and waiting to be shared, but our computer has a horrid virus. We have had the Geek Squad out here and it’s still on the outs. :( I’m in Laptop City until then.

Krysta

If I’m to be honest, it’s been a bit harder this year to really get into the Christmas spirit. BUT seeing as it was my dad’s favorite holiday, there is just no way I could pass up on putting out pretty things this year.
So without further adieu…
1. The birdcage which sits in our entry way. I wanted a little tree to put inside so imagine my delight when I found one that was red, white, annnndd pink! 2. Need I say more? It’s the second one to the collection and I promise you there will be many more… 3. My ‘Winter Wish’ star I found in Chicago. It now adorns my ‘favorite things’ bookshelf. 4. The chandelier from Leah’s wedding that took me ummm…forever and another ever to hand bead. I dare say Brady will find many excuses NOT to hang it, but I’m perfectly happy just loving it as is. 5. My annual ornament from when I was two…my absolute favorite-est one. 6. I’m a candy cane lover hence the incredibly large candy jar full of red and white stripes. 7. Michael’s favorite ornaments…and I quote, “These are my favorite because they have the most beautiful colors.” 8. My feather tree which sparkles in my office. 9. My Santa. My vintage Santa that I love so much and means more to me than anything. It speaks volumes of my Christmas this year. His name tag says, “Karoly, A Christmas Spirit”. I can think of nothing more fitting.

..and in a state where there are inches of snow on the ground, a temperature of a ‘balmy’ 30 degrees, and a severe lack of sunshine…thank goodness for Christmas bling I say.

Every time I get a Williams Sonoma catalog in the mail.
Every time I drive past the little cigar shop on Brady Street . God willing, I will step inside again one day.
Every time I hear Ave Maria.
Every time feta cheese stuffed olives find their way into our grocery cart.
Every time I smell a hint of “Obsession” cologne.
Every time Luka points at your picture and says, “Boppa”.
Every time I see your clothes hanging in your closet.
Every time Michael plays with the incredibly large shark you searched high and low to find for him. He so graciously named him “Steve”.
Every time I go to grab my gloves and your huge fur trapper hat stares me in the face. I don’t know how you pulled that look off, but you did.
Every time I listen to R.E.M’s “Man on the Moon” and hear Michael Stipe sing, “Hey Baby!”
Every time I see a girl with her father.
Every time I think about what would be. What should be.

You should be here this year celebrating with us. You should have decorated the tree and put the insanely stubborn garland around the house. You should have untangled the lights and climbed to the highest rung of the ladder to make sure treasures were placed in the correct spot. You should be calling me telling me about the perfect gifts you found for everyone. You should be texting me daily telling me how you can’t wait until I come home. You should be telling me about the new restaurants you found that we would all love and would be going to while I was in town. You should be there…waiting for me…with Mom and Sabrena…like every other year…when I stepped off the plane and walked down the stairs to meet you. Every year I would be half way down and would look up to see you all standing there. Sabrena would run to me with outstretched arms…dodging people as to not run into them. Mom would walk behind her. You always stayed back with your hands in your pockets…a huge smile on your face until I got close enough and you would say, “Glad to have you home honey.”

Mom, Nathan and I were talking the other day and really, it’s not the huge matters that throw our world off kilter. It’s the little, every day things…things you never even thought about before that continuously slap you in the face. It is almost as if you get to take one baby step forward and then tiny things present themselves and you are, again, taking two giant steps back.

We already had one holiday without you and it was almost unbearable. I can’t imagine Christmas – your most favorite of holidays. I just cannot imagine you not being here.

I need you standing there…at the bottom of those stairs so I can answer you back and say, “Glad to be home Papa”.

You are missed. Daily. Immensely. Forever.

Your Cowcie

This picture puts such a smile on my face…taken two years ago at Christmas. My mom was taking our picture and the camera was not going off. As you can see by the 7th time, my dad and I were “cheeeeeeeese’d” out. We were so sick of pictures at that point, it was the only one taken of us…

* The song is the last song my father downloaded on his iPod. *

So, I was going to post this along with Miss Ayla seeing as he IS her big brother, but I had to give that little darling her own debut. However, I have a soft spot for little boys and I really REALLY have a soft spot for my Luka Love. The child can get away with just about anything as far as I’m concerned.
Luka also loves his Auntie K. I’m not sure if it’s because of the aforementioned or the fact that he loovveess to twirl hair and well, I have massive amounts for him to twirl. While home for Thanksgiving all I heard was, “Kyyyssaaa sit by me. Kyyyssaaa up. Kyyssaaa watch Ein-tein. (Baby Einstein) As soon as I was close enough for his little hand to reach, it was up in my locks twirling…his little fingers creating gobs of snarls in my hair. I would take snarls any day for that gorgeous boy though.
…and oh the way he melts me. On Saturday, our entire family was sitting around talking, reminiscing about my father. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. Luka came over and in his little voice said, “Kyysssaa…what’s…wrong?” You know…like the way kids have to pause between words when they are first learning to talk? I smiled at him and said, “Nothing honey. Auntie Krysta is okay.” He climbed up, touched my tears, and said, “Let’s…wipe…this…one.” I don’t think I could love him anymore than I do…
x’s and o’s Luka Love.
Auntie K