Boppa and his beloved Luka



Quite honestly, I don’t think there is a single, solitary thing that could ever prepare anyone for the overwhelming amount of emotions that come after losing someone. There are no books, no websites, no counselors, no doctors, no peers that could ever properly explain to you how devastating it will be…how it will inconceivably alter your entire outlook on life…how it will change you.

I think today is actually harder, if that’s even possible, than the day we lost him. The blur has lifted and reality has settled in. It is a fact of our life now, that he will not be coming home. It is something I have struggled to grasp…how we parted that day as if there would be so many more days to follow. I had so much to tell him…things I had actually written down to make sure I remembered…and yet they went unspoken.

My emotions on this journey are so unfamiliar to me. At times, I am uncomfortable being with my own self as I never know what the next moment will bring. The anger, the confusion, the guilt, the extreme lows you pray will pass through quickly. However, there are many many bits of happy entangled in there too and for that I am ever so grateful. We have had many of those happy bits lately and yet all I can think is that I wish, so much, he were here.

I struggle to put my thoughts into words today. My heart is hurting. It has been two months today…

Missing, missing, missing….

Your Cowcie

… a little treat, if you will, of what I’m working on!! More to come….

I have a confession. I am a music junkie. I get it from my father. He had thousands of songs on his iPod, a 300 disc changer packed full of CD’s, CD’s stacked in boxes, on bookshelves, in bags…It’s quite ridiculous really, but we’re both suckers for a good tune.
It’s not often that a song makes my heart flutter, but I received a CD from Miss Erin in Chi-town entitled ‘Bliss’ (…and 100% bliss it was honey) that she burned for me and on it was Ms. Sonya Kitchell. I google hounded her because I loved her…she’s got a bit of Joni Mitchell going for her. I fell madly and deeply in love with ‘Running’ (link to right)and well, it’s pretty much my overall mood lately.
Poor Kelly. I drag her into my office 18 times a day. I make her listen to songs over and over again. If she speaks during any of the lyrics, I will re-start the song. She always asks me what color I think of when a song plays…usually it’s purple velvet with twinkle lights, pink glitter, sky blue with a hint of yellow, or just full-on dull gray. So she asked the usual question and no color came to mind…just a girl sitting in her vintage New York apartment on her old, velvet olive green couch found at a thrift shop…lights are low…French doors to her bedroom are open, the bed unmade…she’s got a glass of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Trippy.
Sorry peeps, that’s all I got today.
Happy weekend!
K

…Brady’s parents were coming the next day. I wanted everything to be perfect. The floors were spotless, not a speck of dust to be seen, all sheets were washed, mints adorned the pillows, Aquafina water accompanied the night stands, and white towels laid perfectly folded ready to be used. I would soon find out that all of our hard work would not matter. 12:26 A.M. the phone rang. I was on the computer getting information I needed for a shoot early the next day. Brady was watching TV waiting for me to come to bed. Mom’s cell phone number scrolled across the screen. It took me time to register the number. She never called that late. I knew. Before she even said the words I knew. They staggered out of her mouth one by one each word a bit more jagged than the next. By the time she finished I was on my knees…
I have pleaded with God…begged and bargained…made promises that I would do so many things differently if He would just honor this one request and bring you back. I have yelled at Him..shouted and screamed…asked how He could possibly do this to me. To us. How He could change our entire lives in one teeny tiny blink of an eye. The truth is I know He did not do this to us. I know that you have always been His and just as He put you on this earth, He would decide when He wanted to call you home. That night Aunt Cheryl rushed over as helicopters hovered over the house ready to take you…and just as she walked into the house, they flew away. When she told me of how she watched them go it made me ill. ..to know we would not need them…that they wouldn’t be taking you that night…that God had already made the decision to take you.
Mom e-mailed me today and asked me ‘what if’? What if we had done things differently? What if she had screamed at you to come back…insisted you be here? She was busy calling the ambulance…would you have heard her? I believe with all of my being that you would not have come. Not because you didn’t love us and didn’t want to come back, but because where you are is far more beautiful than this earth we live in…because you always said you would be ready when you were called…because your faith was so strong…because apparently there is a lesson for each of us to learn.
I talked with my grief counselor, Linda, last week. She ended our session by telling me that this is the last lesson you will ever teach me and it will be the most important one. I hope I can make you proud Papa…size 13 shoes never did look good on me…you know I’ve always been a “heels” girl. :(
I am MISSING you more than you could ever possibly know…
Forever and ever and always,
Your Cowcie