I can whole-heartedly say that I have not had any regrets in my life thus far. I say this because I have been taught that everything that happens to me, good or bad, is a learning experience – a time to reflect and realize it is an opportunity for growth. I have strived to live a GOOD life so that when I lay my head on my pillow each night and it is just me with my thoughts, I can look back and know that the day was lived well. However, I am only human and I have fallen short many times.
Shortly before my dad left this life to go onto the next, I found ‘Know Me’ journals. It is a journal that contains 50 questions and they are to be passed along to special people in your life for them to record bits and pieces of their journey here. I wanted so badly to get the journal to have both my mom and dad fill out so that I could always carry their stories with me wherever I went. When I went back to get them, they were gone. I decided that I would just give the journals to them as Christmas presents. I did not know then my Christmas this year would not include one of the most influential and important people in my life. And so I bought the journals the other day….I couldn’t bear to buy just one so, still, I bought two for my parents, one for myself, and another for a beautiful soul in my life. It breaks my heart to know that the pages of my dad’s journal will not be written in…the pages will sit empty….there will be white space where there SHOULD be so many stories, life lessons, words of wisdom, bits of advice, jokes, adventures of a world traveled, recipes that no one else knows, songs I long to hear, but don’t know the titles to…a love story, two babies that were born and what they meant to him, a company that has stood for 20 years because of his hard work and dedication…oh these are the things that I do regret not knowing in their entirety.
So, today, yes, I do have one regret and that is that I did not dive deeper into a beautiful mind. How I wish I could sit with him a bit longer and see what he would have written. I would’ve loved, for one day, to see the world viewed through his eyes. He was a man who thrived on chaos, loved traveling, had an absolute and never-ending hunger for knowledge, whose mind was a sponge. He remembered every tiny and minute detail of every story he ever told…exact dates, locations, names of restaurants he had eaten at 30 years ago….he could tell you any title to any song, the artist, what album it was off of, and what year it was released…without fail. He LOVED learning new things. I’m not sure how one person could watch The History Channel and the Discovery Channel and remember every fact of every topic viewed. He had a passion for new technology both at work and at home. When the iPhone came out he suckered all of us into watching the Apple tutorial on the iPhone and watched the tutorial himself 17 times. He would sit in his office with his Bose headphones on and watch it over and over so that he knew every last aspect of the phone when his arrived….and he did. He was very much an atypical male…he truly truly enjoyed shopping with my mom and I. So many times I would come home and he would say, “Be ready to go at 9:00. I’m taking my two favorite girls shopping today.” He would come home with bags of cooking supplies from William Sonoma, clothes for my mom, new gadgets for his computer, old classic rock CD’s, soaps and kitchenware from Anthropologie. The man had exquisite taste I tell you. Still, material things were fluff for him. The thing that utterly brought him happiness was being surrounded by people. He was a people person…loved to entertain…loved talking to strangers, engaging in deep conversation, telling jokes and stories of a life lived to its fullest. Wherever we went, he was making friends. There was just…something about him… he was such a selfless person. There were times I called him complaining about someone who had been mean to me or treated me unfairly. He ALWAYS said, “Krysta, you don’t know the battles they’re fighting or how heavy the weight is that they carry” and that was it. He would not feed into my need for him to tell me that I should fight back….and so I never did….and I am a better person today because of it….because of him.
Last year at this exact same time of the year, my parents surprised me by coming to visit me unannounced. I came back from running errands at work and there they stood…in my office with huge smiles across their faces. I had NO clue they were coming and so I said to my dad, “I can’t believe you guys came to see me because I’ll be home for Thanksgiving in three weeks” to which he replied, “So. I missed you.”
So today, my rollercoaster is coasting. I am staring at his journal and hoping that maybe one day I will feel okay in writing what I remember of his life in it. I know I won’t be able to fit his huge presence in the small white pages, but I can sure try….
Lil Mama and Big Dog at our favorite restaurant – Lake Park Bistro, 2006
