It’s these things I find myself missing the most. I physically ache for them and yet I know they will never come to be again. The picture above is of his money clip. Yes, his money clip. The man who could afford a fancy one, but never wanted one. Often times I would say, “Dad, let’s buy you a nice wallet…a leather one that looks a little nicer than the one you’re sporting now.” His answer every time, “Why? This one works just fine.” That was that. He didn’t need fancy. He didn’t care. The silver clip that binds papers, that most people would buy at an office supply store would suffice. That was my dad. He didn’t need to impress anyone. He didn’t apologize for his faith. He didn’t try to be anything other than what he was and often times when he would meet you he’d open with a witty remark. Oh and how the witty remarks kept people coming back for more. He was a “what you see is what you get” kinda guy. And wrapped up together in all of that was the most beautiful, kindest, gentlest, humble, wise, giving, life loving soul you will ever meet. I don’t know where he got the “spark”, the passion in his every day, the ability to find good in bad, the capacity to give with nothing in return, the strength to carry an army, or the patience to do it all with a smile on his face. The one thing that sits with me is the repeating comment we heard so much these last three weeks…”If I could be even half the man he was….” Sometimes I fear I will never be able to live up to what he was…that his shoes are far too big to fit into. But then I remember him telling us that if anything ever happened to him, he has given us all the tools we need to go forward in this life. I know this to be true. And yet I think that sometimes when he left, he took the biggest part of me that he held for so long. The part of me I’ll never get back.
This has been a rollercoaster of a week watching the world spin round while I try to catch up with it. And yet the one thing that has brought me comfort this week is a simple little money clip which now sits on my dresser. My photography business card peeks out from under it and brought a smile to my face amidst the tears three weeks ago to this day when I walked into our house and saw it sitting on the counter…in the exact same spot he always left it before going to bed…
Big Dog – We’re trying, but sometimes the missing is just too much. Loving you forever and always…
Your Cowcie
..Uncle Tom – if you’re reading this…the picture is for you…I love you.
This is what happens when he moves at the last second, but I loved his face in this one…the boy is fast..I can’t keep up with him!
…and those sweet curls I love so much.
Well, first day back at work today. It was a bit of a rough start, but it somehow felt good to get back into a routine. Big Daddy was never far from my thoughts, but all in all it was an okay day. Everyone at work was so wonderful and Miss Kelly had a mocha and a muffin waiting for me when I got there…what’s not to love?
So, I came home and while I waited for the boys to arrive I took some time to sit at the computer and do what I love. More of my sweet sweet Luka…I can’t get enough of him…