Stolen Heart.

Photobucket

…this is as good as it gets for a family pic…excuse the haze..urrrgghhh

My favorite…

…so bummed. I took these as we were leaving. He was telling jokes per his usual routine and laughing hysterically. I didn’t have time to change my settings over, but just loovvee how hard he’s laughing so had to include them…

…and I’m never bound to get it back. I believe Michael has it for good. The little boy who lights up our whole world…whose laughter is beautiful music to my ears…whose smile lights up an entire room…whose sensitive little body wants to make sure no one is ever sad…who’s constantly telling jokes, who’s forever begging for just one more hug and one more “I Love You”…who’s made our every single solitary day amazing…

Hugs and smooches gorgeous you.

My Good Luck Charms.

Photobucket

How lucky am I?

x’s and o’s to my boys today and every day….

A Happy Home.

Photobucket

Well, another week that is passing. Another week I am trying to wrap my brain around the idea of you not being here. Another week I am trying to cope, trying to find reasons to smile. Another week of “not fairs” and “how could you leave me’s” and “I miss you terribly’s”. It is a battle every day and I hate that my last thoughts before I go to bed and my first thoughts when I wake up are of you being gone. My mind is constantly playing a slideshow of you, your life, our life, our moments, our family when we were four and not three.

I talked with Sheye today and told her of how I have lived my life in a bubble…a perfect, happy little bubble in a happy home. A home where “I Love You” was knitted so tightly into our vocabulary. A home where hugs and kisses were handed out in abundance; where phone calls, e-mails, and text messages were a part of daily routine. A home that always smelled of herbs and spices and gourmet meals. Where music constantly played overhead and conversations lasted well into the night. I did not know of anger because it was an emotion you and mom did not know of. I only knew what it was like to be loved, protected, and spoiled.

A moment I will never forget…ten years ago…you bought a brand new digital camera. I begged and begged you to use it. You never could say no to me and caved. In Steve Manthe fashion, we had Olympus digital camera 101 training. You went over every detail of the camera, how it worked, and reminded me time after time to be careful with the lens. After setting the camera on your desk, I knocked it to the floor snapping the lens from the body. I walked slowly into the kitchen where you where standing with my head hung low and tears rolling down my face. I held out the lens in one hand and the body in the other and told you it was an accident. I was waiting for you to yell and scream and ask me how I could be so careless with your brand new, expensive camera. But instead, you did something I will never forget. You took the camera from my hands and set it on the counter. You walked over to me, hugged me tightly and said, “It’s just a camera honey. It can be fixed.” Oh how I wish you were here to fix all of us. I have never forgotten that moment and I never will. It just reflects who you were. How material things didn’t matter. The lessons we teach, the lessons we learn, the love we give, the moments we never get back, the I Love You’s that can’t be said enough, the gifts we share…this is what matters most in this life. I would give all of my possessions up to have you here again.

So tonight, for you, Brady and I went outside and Brady smoked one of the Montecristo cigars you gave him. The smell brought me home to you…my happy home that is forever etched on my heart. A happy home that you have given me all of my life…the same home I will give to my children.

I love you Papa and I miss you so much it hurts.

Your Cowcie

Delicious-Ness

Photobucket

Yes, delicious, yummy, quite eatable actually. Taken outside Boppa and Grandma’s house before church. The sun lit up his curls…as if he needs anymore help being gorgeous.

Love you Yukabuka Potamus…

I Wasn’t Ready…

Photobucket
Everyone keeps saying that time will make this all dissipate and that it will someday be replaced with something beautiful, something peaceful, something so different than what we are feeling now. I simply do not know how this can be. As time progresses, the missing only grows. My heart breaks a little more each day knowing that this is forever. You used to be part of my forever. I wasn’t ready for this. You would be the one celebrating with Crown Royal when Brady “popped the question”. You were so excited he was going to be part of our family and had already bought a special bottle and stashed it away in the cupboard. We found it the day after you died and I dissolved on the floor. You were the man that would peek into my dressing room a bit early on my wedding day and tell me how beautiful I looked in my dress. I had envisioned this just as many times and just as intensly as I had envisioned how my husband would look at me as I walked down the aisle. The one man I loved most in the world handing me off to the other man I loved most in this world. You were the man who told me you would take me to New York one day. You had taken Mom last year and she loved it…she chatted away about all of the things you did and how much fun you had. I didn’t want to go until I got to go with you as I knew how excited you would be to show me around the city. You were the man who would hold my babies and instantly fall in love with them just as you did with Sabrena and Luka. I will never know what that’s like now…they will know you, but only by the stories we tell them and by the pictures of you I display. You were the man who made my entire life so magical. Purely magical. I can’t fathom what this world going forward could possibly be like without you. I am uncertain of many things especially these past few weeks, but one thing I am certain of…I wasn’t done loving you and I wasn’t ready to love you like this. Forever and ever missing you Papa…
Your Cowcie

Stolen Heart.

My Good Luck Charms.

A Happy Home.

Delicious-Ness

I Wasn’t Ready…

BLOG ARCHIVE